With my head pressed against the glass of the car window, I repeatedly swallowed the urge to get sick as my partner seemingly took every bump and curve on our way home from the fair late Sunday evening. My entire family complacently sitting in their seats exhausted by our adventures were also amused that despite my battle, the sickness would win with me needing to purge the existing fried elephant ears still left in my stomach. No one had seen the general sacrifice I made by riding that stupid ride that was the catalyst of my sickness. I rode the silly thing that acts like a swing to appease my son, whom was not at all accustomed to big rides, since he just barely made the measurement requirements and it was the only ride we could all ride together as a family.
Everything was fine, that was until I pushed my head up with the ride in full throttle to see if my eight year old was OK. No one else bothered to do it, his sister, my partner all stared straight ahead without so much as an inkling to check on him. Probably because they were smart enough to know that by forcing their head against the momentum, could easily cause the violent reaction that was now occurring in my own body. I suppose being almost 40 years old, I should have known the proper etiquette one engages in when riding one of these metal contraptions, but apparently I had forgotten. I was instantly reminded of the consequence when the ride reached its final stop, with the words “om god I am going to throw up” It was funny to me, because the reaction I received from my family was not one of compassion or understanding, but more of a (ha ha mom is getting old, and cant ride rides like this anymore) Which for the most part only infuriated me even more. And boy did the hits just keep on playing!!
My partner, who wanted to ride a different ride made no hesitation in reminding me of my choice, using my sickness as almost as an ammunition, my son, as soon as we got off the ride wanted to dash off to another ride without any regard to how I was feeling. My anger was raging at this point from the insult of my sacrifice. Yet my sacrifice of myself as I knew it to be was not appreciated because my family were self centered asses, but because in the reality no one saw it. No one enjoyed the ride for the most part and did not see what I was trying to attempt at in unifying our joy together. And so I asked myself why did I make it? Really what was the point? In my act of wanting to make everyone happy, no one was happy, including myself!! So why did I do it? It occurred to me that we live in a world where most sacrifices go unseen and in our perspective (the one making the sacrifice) we feel disregarded or not appreciated from it not being seen. When this happens, I ask myself what is the lesson?
Is a sacrifice really a sacrifice if it is made with the intent of being seen as one?
The whole week had been a down pour of these kind of questions. Most had arisen from a Past Life Regression Workshop I attended facilitated by Beth Jones Powell, which by the way, I highly recommend. During the regression, flashes of past lives came to me, almost like a roulette table spinning of images and did not rest on one until I literally received the message. In each past life, I was a fixer or a healer, some with title, some without. But the underlining current that aligned to each life, was that I always felt it my responsibility to make everyone else better and sacrificed myself in doing so. In one life, I sacrificed my self for love as my lover ran free and I was left withe the repercussions of dying to many stab wounds from the people who hunted him. In another I was a Jamaican Voodoo Healer and had many turn against me, when I was UN-able to find the right concoction to heal all those who were sick. In another I was a magic worker whom would not turn anyone away despite the weakening of my own body, craving to be nurtured and collapsed one day from an over worked heart.
As all the images flickered like a candle nothing would hold position, until I saw a man standing in front of me arguing with me. He was saying “When are you going to realize, that it inst always yours to fix” When are you going to see that not all deserve your energy” And that it is killing you!!! I argued with him that it was not my place to judge all those who were worthy, for every man is worthy to feel love. In which he said yes, everyone, but yourself. Instead of seeing the true message in his words, I at the time was full of pride and saw his words as an attack on my independence. He too was once a past lover and in my perspective only wanted to control me by distancing me from my craft.
Shortly after that image left me, another rolled in like a wave with me running in a field of tall grass and collapsing to my death with him holding my lifeless body; enraged and feeling abandoned by my love. I knew this man today in my present life, a childhood friend who came to my aid when all my many peers as a grade school-er was making fun of me from my lack of not speaking. As a child I hardly ever spoke and would feel the persuasion of classmates hands thumping against my head. Little did they know, my not talking was a defense mechanism to not feel more abuse from others. It had become a warranted defense in my upbringing to be like a ghost; unseen and unheard. But in a classroom of unsuspecting kids, my behavior subjected them to an oddity that they wanted to poke at; much like a child would poke at a dead animal to see if it was alive.
He put an end to that; my past lover and friend of this lifetime and we remained friends until I told him about my plans to open a store focused on healing. He was just as powerful now as he was in a previous life and still felt abandoned by me. He came to me in my present life (the one I live today) with the same message, time after time as he watched years upon years me acting in the same manner. He warned me of opening my store Radiant Spirit and yet I still did not listen. My ego would just not allow me to.
Tears flooded my face as I awoke to the reality of a room full of participants lying on the floor, having their own individual past life regression experiences. A woman laying next to me was crying, barely being able to contain the thrust of painful energy being released from her. I wanted to reach out to her, to touch her, and share in her pain, but the voice came back to me that it is not yours to fix.
The voice was clear and it refrained me from reaching out.. It said
“By assuming you can fix it, you give nothing to this person, but taking away the sometimes UN-bearable task of embracing the pain, that acts both as a tool of empowerment and of submission. You are now in your moment of pain, let it be the tool that empowers you as you take in this moment of your own awakening”
(That your act of being giving to another, you would be UN-giving to yourself, and to the one in which you originally feel the need to give to) For everything being of intent, you negate the act of what it means to truly give)
To give does not mean to interfere with the flow of pain, but to allow another to be in it, without judging is as either good or bad. Pain is neither good or bad, as it is both, as are many things not meant to be judged. You have skated around this, calling it truth, or the layers to be revealed in the depths of someones being. But in reality all is revealed for pain is everywhere, behind the eyes of many. For you it is revealed and obvious from the flow of someones body and energy. Yet you must understand this is a mountain, and a mountain it will always be. You cannot move the mountain, a mountain will always be a mountain, until something stronger and bigger changes its form And from your act of trying you will build your own mountain. All you have is this moment ( a moment in which you are listening) Do not take away from yourself by reaching out to another, and do not take away from them as well. For unbeknownst to you, it would be like a thieve who stole something that could never be returned (this moment)
It dawned on me that my very attempts to help, or share in the pain with others was also acting as the very catalyst to dis empower them of their own free making. It dawned on me that the push pull effect I would feel, from everything I tried to fix, was of reason as well. Because in the reality no matter how much a person claims they need something or guidance, they really don’t want it. Not because they are unappreciative, but because deep inside they know if they cant find it for themselves everything else acts only as a temporary umbrella in a world where it always feels as if it is pouring rain.
That pain is the ultimate release in which we return back to the divine; as their is no other place to go. And it is from this pain we are weaving in our lives that makes us aware of what we don’t want to feel, and what we do feel. It became clear pain is not something to judge, nor is our attempts to remove ourselves from being UN-giving to someone else pain. That in reality we cant take it away, we cant even silence it , for it is always a voice ringing inside of us either from states of rejection of ourselves and others; and feeling the disconnect we create every time we reject the power of gods making.
Pain is like gods way of talking to you, standing firm like a parent would watching its child fall and waiting for them to learn from the fall. And the push-pull effect I would feel was my own subconscious mind aware of my spiritual lesson surfacing, each and every time my ego so full of itself would feel the need to reach out and help. And how angry I would become at a world that would not feel the weight I felt. How I owned this as mine and used it as a means to create an identity to cling to. How it shielded me from my own pain of being a child of abuse both physical emotional and sexual. But even in this awareness, I am being kind to myself, much kinder than I ever have been, knowing that we all do it.
We all create these persona’s to live by to heal and shield us from the pain. We use it as a guide to guide us to more pleasurable experiences and as diversions of our own pain. Some of us take on more pain ( the pain of others) so we don’t have to feel our own. We give, because it fills us up, just as any drug would to an addict. And I too had become this very addict.. I loved the feeling when my own daughter would say “Mom you are such a giving person” I have never met anyone who gives and continues you to do so even to those people who have hurt you the most” How good this felt to me, to hear it from my own daughter and many others I would call close friends. How good it felt to bask in this place inside of me that I knew to be who I truly am, but also to see it as an incredible weight to carry.
For one who is so giving, is always expected to be giving. It becomes a machine and if at once you act out of the fine tuned instrument you will be perceived as less than that makes you feel misunderstood by those who really cant see inside your soul. That even in the acts of truth and sounding your voice, others will perceive you as they need to in their own individual purpose. That no matter how much you give, it is never enough. And the only time that is does feel full is when you give to yourself.
I had convinced myself for so many years like many others I know who contribute in this line of work as healers, and professions, that to give to others is to give to yourself. But this is not entirely true.. And we have to be very careful not to misinterpret what we think is giving, and what is giving. Cause really there is only one.. There is only one having this experience through the experience of others. That each person you meet is your teacher, showing you what it is you have come to learn( and that person is you, a split version of yourself)
We have been told to give is to give to yourself, that the act its self is what gives to you..And whether we want to admit it or not this is where many of us have lost the battle of balance and went straight into “complacent floor mat” and “emotional dump truck”
We have taken this expression of giving to others far beyond the boundaries of just being kind and by doing so being unkind to ourselves. Society has set up the rules against us to experience what it means to be giving to ourselves and so we perpetuate the contradiction in our lives. To give is to receive, and to receive is to give. But what does this mean? Does it mean to continue to give to others to receive love from others? Or does it mean to give to ”
yourself”is giving to others, by being the example of love and not sacrifice.
What if the lesson for some, who are true givers by nature isn’t to give, but to be UN-giving, to others and therefore giving to themselves? Meaning that in the day to day life of someone who is a giver, they give enough and sacrifice is unnecessary. What if I began to ponder, many of us in this world have already learned the lesson of giving and sacrifice, and that in this lifetime our lesson is to not sacrifice at all. After-all Buddha once a prince of wealth, walked away to experience a lesson of being a vagabond, and from the encompass of his whole self, he found peace. That to give to yourself is to give to others, showing them that not everything has to be of sacrifice.
To me it comes back to balance. As that is what we are all doing. Trying to live in a world, but not be of it. And how difficult this can be to juggle heaven and earth with so many judging eyes. We do not stand alone in our own ego but in the egos of many. Our very identity and how we view ourselves is from the eyes and ego of others; our parents, our peers, our friends, our children, our co-workers. Nothing we do or say is from one ego alone.
If we can conclude that nothing is absolute.. Then that would also mean nor are the principles we live by, and they too are meant to be changed for each individual as they take form to the next lesson to learn.
This particular individual feels that by the flash of many lives, I already know what it means to give and to sacrifice all in the name of love. Now the lesson for me is to stop sacrificing. There must be a little defiance in this and self righteousness by thinking I can always sacrifice myself and be bigger than the mountain. I do not need to be bigger than god. God is the mountain.
P. S. I wrote this blog almost 2 years ago I at the time was with a different partner than I am today. Much has changed in my life since writing this blog because I stopped sacrificing myself to make others happy and instead chose to make myself happy. By doing so this is the love I give to others in being the example of happiness. Jesus sacrificed on the cross for the message of love. If that was the past and as human beings we are meant to evolve then why would we continue to perpetuate the same lesson and message over and over?
Much love to all
Misty Dawn
Radiance By Misty Dawn 
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