Dont mind me I am just having a breakdown.

Mar 9, 2012 by Misty 1 Comment

It was Tuesday afternoon of last week when I returned home from work to find my daughter fighting her way with homeschooling my son. He was over it!!! He didn’t want to do any of the work, nor find any compromise in making an attempt to do so. For the last 6 months I had been juggling my work schedule that included full time at a Spa during the day, and in the evenings working with Independents, as well as making sure my son attended his gymnastics class two days a week, before I sought out the help of my daughter in helping him with his academics. I thought it to be a good decision, that would help unify them together as a team, and not as opponents who constantly fought for their means of control, and asserting their free will. Boy was I wrong!!!  It only created more of struggle, as my eight year old felt more controlled by his sister, and his sister felt more empowered in her control.

I had already taken great lengths to free up my schedule to insure his academic future, by cancelling my weekly meditation group I facilitated, and working only 4 days a week at the spa, instead of 5. I also let go of any prior engagements, in facilitating a yoga class for kids,with my sons home-school group. Yet it still did not warrant the effect I was looking for.

I contemplated on everything, including breaking up with my partner, seeing him as not being helpful, but adding to the problem, when he too would become frustrated by the whole thing. I forced my eighteen year old on the computer taking away any free computer time for herself ,to research the behavior of a Aspergers child as a punishment to her lack of patience with him.  I even wanted to get in my car drive fare away to relinquish all rights as a mother, a partner, and re-build another life that I could see as having less demands on me.  I am not afraid to admit that, and I know there are many mothers out there who have felt the same. Yet as we know we can never run away from ourselves, and when you  do walk through a door like that, the consequences itself are much to hard to bare, and creates a bigger war in your heart. Yet I still did not know the answer.

Even in having my partner and my daughter help in his homeschooling, the mountain of work I still had to do would not let up. I still had to show them how to teach him, and what to teach him. Much like making up the grocery list, and planning the dinners, before someone else can go shopping.

Having them help, seemed to be more work for me, then to just do it with him. For now I had to teach three people, and not just one. The problem was, everyone else lacked the patience and the compassion to work with him, and this created more angst in the house, as I would fight with them to see the plight he fights within. My son being Aspergers, and Adhd, is met with challenges emotionally. He often does not know how to control any emotional outbursts and becomes frustrated when others don’t understand what he is saying, because he often doesn’t know how to convey his feelings through words. And since the public schools, just continued to fail him, I was told by my son’s counselor that the best course of action was to home-school him. Yet the challenge I faced was much bigger than I expected, and it became apparently obvious when I saw it surfacing in my home.

It seemed there was no escape!!!

I felt myself become unbelievably frustrated by the whole picture, and even threatened my son, that he would in fact return to a regular school the following year if he could not show the appreciation from our act of trying to work with him. This did not phase him either, for he had already surmised this to be the inevitable event anyways, and mentally was already prepared for it to happen. Now normally when he acts like this, I don’t push it, waiting for his demeanor to change. Telling myself today is a bad day and tomorrow will be a better day to work with him. But since it seemed that he was having more bad days than good, I knew I could not continue to dismiss it. It just wouldn’t allow me to.

I blew up, enraged by his behavior, and began screaming and yelling. In my anger I explained to him the gravity of his actions, and how he was being very selfish with his behavior. I cried and screamed, forcing him to our dining room table to do his work, and even spanked him. I don’t like to spank. I try to refrain from it as much as possible. To me spanking is like medicine (the last resort after you have tried everything else) And we did try everything else.

We did a star system, points for him to earn by doing his work, and any chores expected of him, in which he could use to buy things he wanted. It didn’t work, because often enough we would have to deduct stars from what he earned to show the consequences of his behavior. After he concluded that he wouldn’t earn enough stars to get what he wanted, he became un-phased by the challenge. Or when he did earn the points to get what he wanted, he then didn’t care enough to keep up the good behavior (cause he got what he wanted)  We did a schedule outlining all his chores, and a time in which to do them. We took away x box, and tv time. This too didn’t phase him, as he would just go outside and play. Nothing was working, and if it did work, it would only be for a short time, before things would regress back to chaos.

Finally I blew up!!! No longer being able to support myself in a natural calm state. I ran to the computer room, slamming my door behind me, leaving him to cry from the sting of my hand, and furiously tore through all the many layers of websites to find help.

I came across a site, that could be used as a homeschooling tool, or as extra tutoring. The site was fresh fun, and allowed a child to be engaged, by its animated explanation, that was more like watching a video or a cartoon in which to learn by. It was detailed in its explanation, and allowed the child to work at their own pace, and included tests and quizzes to be recorded in their own individual portfolio, so as to indicate to the parent how well the child was retaining the information.

I rushed to the other room, grabbed my child and put him on the computer. He literally in one day did well over the required lessons, staying on the computer for four hours. He laughed saying how fun this was, and how much he enjoyed it. I laughed with him, seeing his joy, and that in a matter of minutes he understood what a synonym was or a prefix or how to round numbers without me beating my head to find ways to keep him engaged. Now every morning he cant wait to get on the computer to do his lessons, to be challenged in his learning, and to see his own test scores of how well he has performed.

My meltdown was a needed dynamic in my life. For in my will to want to keep going as we was, I had lost sight of the big picture. In my ability to try and remain calm, understanding, and sympathetic to his needs, I was doing more damage than good. I took me breaking down, to recognize the imbalance, before I made it a priority to take a different approach. I cried and screamed, felt guilt in my behavior, but in the end I found a solution. A solution that would have never surfaced, if I wasn’t willing to admit the problem.

Too often we do this in our lives. We just keep going, thinking this is how it has to be. We keep running on the hamster wheel, spinning the wheel and find ourselves going no where, but creating the same scenario over and over. We look for alternatives to mask the problem, Prozac, alcohol, whatever creates a diversion. This was never the answer for me. By growing up and seeing the implication of drugs and alcohol running rampant through my house, I knew it to be not a means of escape, but to create a bigger problem and a whole in yourself.

We want to think we have some control, and by our act of keeping going, we tell ourselves we are in control. This can be no further from the truth, and is pure indication of the imbalances we are holding within.

Crying, becoming angry, are valid real emotions to have, to show us where we are. It is not something to fear or to judge. Breakdowns is not a sign of weakness or lack of control. It our ability to be vulnerable, and willing to admit we don’t have the answer. (to admit we do not know) By doing so, we surrender ourselves to a much bigger act (the universe itself) who is standing there often times with a big hammer thrusting upon your head, until you GET THE MESSAGE!!

There is no doubt in my mind I was guided that day.. No doubt that in my anger, my screaming, my frustration, and my act of hitting my child, that God was present, holding my hand every step of the way.. Even saying Misty ITS ABOUT DAMN TIME!!! LOL

We too often think, that in our anger, we are far removed by the grace of god, and are acting out, much like a bad child would to be punished. And too often we punish ourselves, in our emotional releases, deeming them of bad action or wrong. But we are not bad children. We are only children trying to find our way, and every action we take is not bad or good, but a means to find a way where we are not met with so much of a challenge. It is not a matter of refraining from confrontation so as to maintain peace. But to see that the only confrontation we face, is within ourselves, in our lack of not observing or listening to what we have created. To step away of being in it, so as to see ourselves out of it, and find the answer. A breakdown is that crushing blow of reality you are faced with, and have dismissed so as to keep going. It is the sudden thrust out of reality, so as to embrace the true reality.

Within seconds I found that site. I had searched months ago for sites to help with my child, and came upon nothing that called to me. But that day in my vulnerability, my anger all of thee above, the answer was presented. Homeschooling now is not a chore, nor a fight. My son willingly everyday without being told jumps on the computer to learn, and to play.

I cant tell you how much of a weight has been lifted from me. And I would say to you, if there is any imbalances you are fostering in your own life, have the strength to break down.. To do whatever it takes to express all you are walking through, and get off the hamster wheel.

Much love to all.