The voice of Christ within you

When i was 14 years of age I was an active member of my church. They adored me, and the love, and guidance I was looking for as a child in an abusive home, was the warranted affection missing in my life. That was until one crucial day where the divine itself asked me to speak my voice.

I had no idea how much it challenged them by doing so. For to me it seemed like a truth reflected in innocence from how the divine revealed itself to me. Yet when I was asked if I believe Jesus died on the cross for my sins, my reply was no

I believe Jesus died on the cross because of our sins, as a message to man who as long as we continue to judge that is our sin, and we are essentially crucifying one another with fear and not love.

They looked at me as if i had snakes coming out of my mouth. Yet what the divine allowed me to see was not me wrong in my perception, but that they were so challenged by the wisdom of what a fourteen year old spoke. In their fear they cast me out, even concluding I was indeed not a Christian.

Suddenly the dear child they loved, seen as only an abused child, was demeaned as less than, even told I was influenced by the devil, because of the turmoil I experienced in my home life. Using my very living dynamics to create doubt in my mind. So strong as I was in my god connection, because of the very darkness that pushed me into its arms, I replied that the devil too needs love. For even the devil teaches us what not to be, without it we would not know the difference.

The battle between darkness and light

In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. Now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters.And God said, “Let there be light,” and there was light:  (Genesis chapter one)

The earth was formless through the darkness, and yet the spirit of god was alive hovering over the waters. A representation that indicates even as darkness exists so too does the divine. Lately this equation has been rattling my nerves, especially as my focus not normally not placed in the political arena has had no choice but to see the epitome of darkness and light battling it out through the hearts of many men. The internet has given me closer introspection of this through my interpreted ideas, and the perception of others to either draw parallels from or to segregate as any many would for fear of what they do not understand. I have seen this dynamic of energy interface with my own personal life, as I am currently challenged with the idea of dating someone who is for the most part a very orthodox christian, avid in their beliefs.  I am not one to make segregation of what darkness and light mean in an absolute judgement, for to me even in the bible it clearly demonstrates how the divine is alive and present regardless of what absolutes we need to define in our hierarchy of what we deem as knowledge and wisdom. In fact I do believe as the story of Adam and Eve represented, that is was in our sin eating from the tree of knowledge in which we as man began to draw such absolutes between what is wrong or right. And in these absolutes of darkness and light or shame and guilt we can not live in the house of Eden.

Which brings me back to choice, or the goodness of free will. For how would god or the divine know our acts of love if it not be through choice, and not just something shoved upon us with no choice? How would man itself know they were loved by another if one was not given the choice to love.

Stop the Insanity part 2

Recently I wrote a post entitled “Stop the Insanity” It was a view of my own personal demands in raising my children. Just like many parents the real challenge we have with our kids today is not to over indulge them with things we feel they are entitled too, just for the sake of maintaining an illusion of success by the means in which we live by. As a single parent I was living in the illusion of my failures, and overcompensated every step of the way. It was in my own personal accountability, I realized I had created the very monster running amuck in my home. Instead of feeling hopelessness, I decided to take drastic approaches in improving my situation. I devised a plan, outlining daily responsibilities or chores for my children to complete. In this plan they both would be responsible for earning money on a daily basis to pay for the very food they eat in the home. Both would learn how to budget, devise meal plans, and how to shop calculating each item they placed in the cart at the grocery store. How well they ate was completely dependent on how well they performed as it would be with any job. In addition they would also be awarded extra money for how well they performed their tasks with one another without arguments or aggression. This money would be tallied up at the end of the week, and would be named “Family fund time” This would be like a general allowance for extra curricular activities the family would participate in, or individual needs like a new xbox mic for my son, or my daughters computer needs.

I am happy to say this plan so far has been unbelievably successful. Each day my children are awarded with the tangible evidence of money in their hands as a result of completing their tasks.. It brings them a deep satisfaction, knowing their behavior and efforts are not being taken for granted but rewarded. They participate in a civil communication with one another understanding each others individual needs. For instance my daughter who normally is like a sledgehammer with her brother insisting his obedience, has grown much more patient. If her brother says yes I will do that later she trusts that he will, because he like her now knows what it will cost them both if he doesn’t. Neither one of them want to be denied the simple pleasures of snacks, and their favorite meals, eating beans and rice for dinner, so they both put forth earnest efforts to insure they are succeeding in their goals together. This has created a sense of appreciation and love for each other as siblings, and not the usual I cant stand you attitude.

Stop the Insanity

Stop the Insanity!!!  I heard my mind circulating this coined phrase from Susan Powders as an attempt to see the insanity flowing in every main vein of my house. My home which is supposed to be very much a sanctuary from the day-to-day world, was in fact the exact opposite, often like an emotional waterline flooding. Too often after working all day, I would find myself not wanting to return home, and felt a raging guilt clawing at me for thoughts I felt I had no right to have. As a single parent my duties were endless in maintaining just a means of survival for both me and my children, and the amount of burdens I placed on myself out a sense of being super parent of the year, were at times beyond counterproductive. On the days where I did have time to spend quality time with my children, I found myself wanting to retreat, like someone who had walked in a blizzard for days, and searched for the nearest warm hole to crawl in. Yet in my guilt I would push through as a super human soldier who must maintain their responsibilities, only to feel a sense of dread and resentment.

I felt as if I was in bad relationship I could not end. Stuck in my dependency of needing to see myself as strong, and a champion of mothers beyond mothers. I had no idea the things I put on myself were too much, until it became too much. Often I have said the universe speaks to us loud and clear it is up to us to hear the words of its communication. For me it is always when my physical body can no longer maintain the girth of what my emotional body is spinning.

My foot seized up for two days in a row. I could not work, could not walk, and was in severe pain. And as I began erasing my schedule calling clients upon clients to cancel sessions, terror-struck me suddenly with the thoughts of  “oh my god, if I am not able to work everything will come crashing down”