Waiting for the dust to settle

I was speaking to a friend just yesterday about the word “Sacrifice” It is a running theme in our life and was brought to the surface by the most recent blog https://radiantspirits.wordpress.com/2012/03/01/i-have-become-such-an-un-giving-person-99/

For some this word “sacrifice” has a positive connotation, but for her and I it is the utmost challenge in our lives to not continuously fall back into this role of being the sacrificial lamb.  We would ask the question “So did you walk away from that” with the full knowledge of each others struggle of not taking on more than what isn’t ours, nor to appease someone in their notion of what love is, at the sacrifice of ourselves. Both of us have made leaps and bounds in this arena, learning to disconnect from those who do not appreciate our efforts and creating healthy boundaries.  We know what it means “To take back yourself”

The difficulty is that when you learn to “Take back yourself” and not fall into the same sacrificial behavior most become angry or even feel abandoned, causing a rift or crisis in the relationship. Yet once we learn that crisis is only a catalyst to promote change and growth, we see the bigger tapestry being weaved by the characters or roles others have played in our life to receive this lesson of “Self- Love”   Which is what we are all trying to attain; better ways of loving ourselves without resentment and blame for those we feel do not love us.

But sometimes for those who have not practiced “self -love” they need to know what it feels like “To not be loved”  in their notion of what love is, because to them love is seen or understood by the sacrifices others would make for them from the sacrificial behavior they have been to another.  In essence whether we realize it or not, from our demonstration of loving ourselves without sacrifice, we are breaking a heinous cycle of self loathing, regret, guilt, bitterness and blame. What more beauty or gift could we offer to a person we love, then to show them how to love themselves.

This is hard emotional spiritual work because the back-lash can mean a relationship ending, or truly beginning. However the proof is in the pudding as they would say, because once you make this break it is truly a testament of the foundation of the relationship either based in loving someone for “Who they are” or by “What they give” And this has layers upon layers deeply rooted not only in your psyche, but theirs as well.

Often though for this direction of energy to take place it usually comes at the expense of being brutally honest in a hurtful way. Usually those who have repeated a lifetime of sacrificial behavior cant break free from the chains that bind them without explosive behavior or huge confrontation. Its like blowing something out stuck in a straw; you have to use force to make it move. There is often no other way, because no matter how much you try to use diplomatic behavior or skate around someones feelings to refrain from hurting them, they still do not know how to break the pattern of their own habitual behavior. What proceeds later is often the fallout where two people retreat to their individualized corners waiting for the dust to settle. Pride at this point can be a huge issue. Some so full of pride and self-righteousness will not ask the question of why did someone who loves me do or say something to hurt me? Which by doing so could very well carry the ingredient of self-discovery, if one is willing to do some introspection instead of blame or feeling like a victim.  And this is where “We” the people who have chosen to break the pattern have no control if the other will choose as well. Will they be bitter to a fault ending the relationship entirely, is not our decision to make. All we can do is be open to the decision they do make while standing in the proclamation of our own “Self love”

Still there is a balance to this as there is with everything. We have to be open enough to not assume the same behavior will be demonstrated by those we have disconnected with and allow for the healing process of severed ties to take their course. Otherwise we are missing the key component of our own individual growth from being too presumptuous. For me it has become easier to make such allowances and not feel the same disappointment by how much I have invested in a persons reactions or demeanor toward me.  However I am one who years ago made the decision to sever all ties with my large family; including  the very lost mother I always felt responsible for.  My reason in doing so had nothing to do with her not loving me, but how she could not receive my love. She was consumed with guilt from years of abuse she knew she had inflicted upon me; and despite my ability to love her all the same, she could not.

Yet in doing so, I have reached out several times like a turtle viewing where someone is and as quickly as I do, I can also pop back in if what is demonstrated to me is the very same destructive behavior. It’s crucial at this point to not be too invested of the outcome by doing so. Its not the outcome that is important but the action of remaining open. By being open we are not demonstrating arrogance and are allowing for the blessings to be received in our life. If we are too closed, too protective then so too do we close ourselves off from the abundance life has to offer.  We cant control where a person is internally, nor can we take it personal or see it as an UN-loving toward us. We have to remember that everyone is a tool to be used to either continue to choose to “love ourselves” or feel “Unloved”

Much love to you

Misty Dawn