I am not one who lives a secretive life bounded in a fortress or sanctuary of the four walls of my home in the pretense that all is completely blissful. I put myself out there; willingly sharing the ebb and the flow of the many dynamics transpiring in my day-to-day living. I do so, because to me in my transparency I open myself up to the exploration of the universe happening in each and every one of us. I do not reside in any role as an authoritative voice or one of reason at all times; nor do I fear portraying myself in a vulnerable place.
When I used to facilitate my weekly guided meditations, I would emphasize the power of sharing our experiences with each other; that in this sharing our awareness is expanded in the realization of “We are not alone” Everything happening to you in a moment is happening to another. Perhaps the dynamics may be different but each one of us are sharing the journey together in some fashion or another. It is meant to be this way; so that we are yet humbled and loved at the same time in our recognition of sharing both pain and love with each other. Frustration, sadness, all share the signature marks of “Pain” Be it a pain we are experiencing for growth or a pain that is happening from stagnation; it is all set up for the glory of our own inner scope to be viewed from the internal to the external.
Many of us allow our sadness or isolation to be infused in our perception of life; fearful of being judged by another we pretend to have a firmer grip on something that in reality is the skin of our fingertips hanging on to the edge of a cliff. In doing so we have demonstrated the very act of arrogance; pretending to be what we are not. We are not meant to always have the answers or the knowing power. What we are meant to have, is the knowing of the divine; that even in our lack of knowing we trust and believe in the unraveling of our conditioning. When we hide behind a facade of being, we are not allowing our true being to surface and essentially are wearing a mask; a mask meant to be destroyed by our creator. In our mask wearing, we are the antithesis of what the divine is.
Now without having to use the emotional trigger word so deeply rooted in many psyches, ask yourself what is the rival or antithesis of the divine? No answer is correct, just something to ponder. But think about the first definitive word that rises to the surface when you ask yourself such a question; when you go against the divine what have you become?
Our vulnerability is the clearest channel to the divine. I have often said we do not know or experience god in our stand, but on our knees. When we allow this vulnerability to be exposed, we are exposing ourselves to the divine. It matters not if it is through another person, sharing a painful experience or reaching out for help. It is trusting in the process that all transpiring is the will of the divine communicating with us and through us. But we cannot know this, until we experience this. We cannot experience this, until we are vulnerable enough to experience it. Everything is a product of the universe. The friend on Facebook who offers helpful suggestions, guidance or even a derogatory comment is the voice meant to speak. They too speak through the voice of the divine, conveying to you the emphasis of symmetry. If we continue to pretend in an external way the opposite world of the internal, we create a block of communication with the world and the divine. That block gets amplified in everything we do, from our jobs to our loved ones, thus creating a wall meant to be cracked with us cracking too.
I felt that crack happening within myself, when just last week the very arrogance I created in myself by being some superhuman mother of the year came crashing down. I had to acknowledge that despite my best efforts of advocating for my son academically, I was not the one with all the answers nor was I the best mother. This all had to be questioned in me from yet another blog I had to read from someone who continues to air my personal life in a public forum. They basically asked what kind of mother am I? Even though one could view the content of their phrasing in a derogatory fashion, it still raised the question in me that needed to be answered for me and no one else. Although their intent spoken on the keyboard in malice, it was helpful to me in revealing my arrogance. It was yet another way for me to see god speaking through the question I needed to ask in myself.
Suddenly without apprehension I went on a Facebook campaign to help me in helping my son. I wrote a status entitled with the first word being HELP to emphasize my vulnerability and my desire of being open to what ever would be expressed. I even recorded the interactive dynamics of me and my son on video and posted it to my page, so that those who felt obliged to help, could see if I as the parent was not demonstrating clear concise communication with my son. In other words I was willing to be the wrong one. I was willing to be criticized and redirected if in this re-direction it meant more desirable outcomes with my son. I had to put down my persona as some kind of “all-knowing Misty Dawn and savor the moment of being receptive to someone else knowing more than me. I say all-knowing, because some view me as this from the content of my blogs. I do not consider myself to be all-knowing, but I do understand how one could easily view me as such and even self righteous. Its ok it comes with the territory of sharing your expereinces and wisdom obtained through the application of knowledge. We all can be easily viewed this way depending on the subject matter we have chosen to study. I have chosen to study the very subject matter before I write about it.
What happened was amazing. There was an outpour of loving hearts who felt my frustration and my guilt as a parent. At first they pranced around their comments by saying I sense a little guilt in you, in which I replied robustly you sense ALOT OF GUILT IN ME. I am not hiding that. I am not hiding that where I stand right now, I am experiencing tremendous waves of doubt. In my acknowledgement of this and not my pretend, they truly saw a human being in pain. I cried, I laughed, but above all I received. Not only did I receive the emotional comfort but also a wealth of knowledge from those who had been exactly where I was. In that moment I allowed all those who had something to give to me, be received. I essentially received from god the very message I needed to hear for myself in asking the damn question in the first place, by standing in a place of doubt. It was a doubt that had been eating at me since the fist blog was written by the one who wanted to fortify this doubt in me. Am I a good mother?
The answer I received was clear. That by even being vulnerable enough to ask such a question not only in yourself but by the viewing eyes of many, the astounding answer is yes you are. Are you the best mother? No. But you are the best mother you can be. Just as you are the best person you can be by not pretending you are something you are not. Your vulnerability is something to be shared not hidden. Your vulnerability is your beauty. It is the beauty of all. So give thanks to those who stir the question of doubt and give thanks to those who alleviate this doubt; but above all give thanks to yourself for being vulnerable enough to doubt. In your doubt, god speaks.
Much love to all
Misty Dawn
Radiance By Misty Dawn 