To the honor of my sacred Villain

To the honor of my sacred Villain
You whom has silenced my voice too many times to count, I speak to you not in whispers not through anguished breathe but as a scream that it would be so loud it would bounce of you like a thousand echoes. The voice I allowed you to steal from fear is no longer fearful to be seen through my judging eyes as something I am not.  I know that what I am is no longer of any value. It is not who I am but what I am to become and in this becoming there is liberation of not knowing who I am through the eyes of something else.

I grow tired of the game and endless circles I have played in my mind viewing you as one day being the darkness of the divine speaking to me through you, and the monster I have created who lives underneath my bed. I like a frightened child have cowered beneath you and felt the hostility of the raging woman within me.  You see I am keenly aware now, I set myself up for this play from the day I understood that from great love is great pain, and you my sacred villain have been thus far my greatest challenge in accepting this. Do not ask me why, I could not tell you. There would be levels to tread upon; levels that are not meant for me to fully understand in the present moment of this tapestry so beautifully weaved together through the wounds you and I have shared.

I have many things to say, to give, express and enlighten those around me who too have walked such a path of ridicule and shame from those who would paint them as less than. And my voice will be heard. We all have such voices that scream from the corners of our mind like lunatics, psychopaths who not only want to be accepted but understood and valued. We are all these people in the shadows of our minds and I granted you full access where you feasted and laid eggs in my head; because I understood there is not one different from the other to the common theme of emptiness and fulfillment we drink from.

You have done your part and I now release you.  My cup was filled  when it was depleting and emptied when it was too full for your liking. I have allowed you such an honor in honoring you as I processed your every action and word as the god like divine in which you are: in which we all are. You too are the tree which bares the fruit and I have digested you until my stomach churned from the inside as a sloppy mess of deep though,t that led me to this place of contemplation and surrender. But in this honor, I have placed too much value upon you and too little in myself and have created a self-imposed prison to where your hands have access to reach and suffocate me in your lingering shadow.

I feel you upon me like a cool breath in a warm room as if you were a lover to taunt me. And just like any lover who grows tired of your words or is sickened by the very thought of your touch, I too have found myself in such a place wanting to flee from the bed you made. I wish for nights in which a lover will love you as much as my own insatiable appetite has in wanting to understand you. I wish this person could serve as an equal distraction from me and with my every step I take not only with myself but with the love that was once yours. I am sorry you felt me to be so undeserving of such a love by seeing me as cunning as  a thief who betrayed you. You have such a right to think so. As you too have such a right to express it to others and through your words of wisdom screaming it as loud as you feel you need to be heard. As I too have the right to grant myself the compassion I so rightfully deserve by not owning your pain and seeing it as my burden to carry.

I have done my part through accountability and too have granted you compassion and love for every time I saw you as my teacher. I gave you love through every emotion of anger, frustration and projection. It is you with your walls as big as mountains that you were not willingly able to receive how much I did love.  How could you? By doing so it would crack your very existence and unearth the skeletons that still lay buried beneath your heart.  I apologize for ever hurting you even as you portray you are not hurt. I hope that one day as many suns have passed and you in a tender embrace from a lover as equal to me, will look up on a night of moonlit stars and see my face staring back at you. Maybe than god would have granted you full eyes to see.

Until then I leave you behind to settle in the dust.
Scream as loud as you must to be heard from others how terrible I am.
I will be too deaf to hear you.
Write as bold as your fingertips speed across the keyboard in words of expressed emotion
I will not have eyes to see.
Create that very monster in your head and feel the infliction of it as I have from seeing you the same.
See where it leads you
It is not my job to detour you or detour others from the connected feeling of pain and blame.  After all it is how we stayed so connected. For we all connect in the way in which we need to. I now crave for a different connection, one that does not desire pain to being alive. I have had my fair share of drinking from that infinite well. Perhaps one day you will too.
I wish you the best.

So now you have found the “One” let the commencing of the shit storm be done.

So you found the one. Someone who understands you accepts you and loves you for who you are. You are ready to make the big leap, move in together, get married, make plans for an invested future together. . You have bared your soul, your secrets,  your battle scars  your proverbial skeletons in the closet has been closely inspected and received with miraculous approval and love. All the years of broken relationships countless dates and small talk finally comes to an end as you joyously make the final leap into a committed relationship with this “One” What happens next?

As an energy worker and intuitive reader, I have counseled many couples either into a deeper partnership, marriage or even breaking the ties all together if it seems imperative to each individual persons growth to do so. I find it funny; because I am a twice divorce myself and have had a string of what many would deem as  “unsuccessful relationships” Anyone who wanted to count could rightfully proclaim me as not the experienced person to give any sort of relationship advice. I would not argue with them; except to say too many times a power much bigger than the perception of our egos, has placed me in such a role unbeknownst to any desire I knew myself to be or to have. So I do not take such responsibility lightly when the dynamics at play wills me in such a place either through a reading, energy session or all of thee above. I mean it was once a psychologist who visited my little metaphysical store after learning I was counseling mutual clients we both had that said “Being an intuitive and Reader of energy is no different then being a Psychologist, the only difference is one has a plaque on the wall”

So now that I have executed my validity to speak on such a topic, I will continue. What happens next? Well summarizing it in black and white like a check off list, does not to me quite carry the same potency, so I will sum it up in using what I feel simplifies things much easier; energy. When you involve yourself in such a union either in words, actions, or a ceremonial ritual such as marriage, you have basically proclaimed to the universal energy that you are with this person who has their own individual energy signature and by being with them you are sharing their signature as well as sharing yours.

This is where that old cliche comes up of “You truly don’t know a person until you live with them”  It’s not necessarily that, but more so because you are now sharing individual energy their energy shifts as well as your own to accommodate the merging of energy transpiring between the two of you.

What does this mean? One the common saying of “Know thyself” can’t be any more relevant than when you are with someone. Because its understanding your energy signature and what it represents.

For instance I have had many friends tell me I am advanced friendship because I do not thrive in a place of just living on the surface, making small talk nor do I stay stagnant in anything. My energy can be like a cold bucket of water to someone who is complacent, to living less than what they can truly be and yet it can also be uplifting to those who want to burst out of their self complacent prisons. For those who do not want to confront the demons in their life, I am not the person they want by their side. On a daily basis that is exactly what I do. In fact my partner had a code name for it” the deep end of the pool. When things come up in my life I confront them immediately and do not let anything fester inside. For every bad thing transpiring, I am fully aware of the good and look for it by not placing blame on others, but assuming full responsibility. I look for viable solutions if there is any and if there is not, I look for the lesson through acceptance which naturally creates the release. My formula conisists of

1)Confrontation which opens communication

2) Assuming responsibilty by apologizing for any hurtful behavior one may have received by me being confrontational

3)Listening to what the other would say as being my faults and assume those are the faults I need to work on as issues in myself (integrating their energy)

4) I then watch; sit back and closely observe the other persons behavior after confrontation. Have they done the same at looking at the same issues I may have stated? (integrating my energy)

5) I then ask are they being truthful with themselves because if they are not capable of being truthful with themselves they can not be truthful with me. And if I am being truthful with myself?

6) Determine my ability to accept and let go

7) Receive the gift, the lesson the all of thee above by doing so.

8) Wait until it comes back up and again and another confrontation is waged to bring even more truth to the surface.

To me it is not difficult to live this way and find it rewarding when I do. My issue and struggle has been taking it sometimes for granted ,what I find to be easy, whereas others would find it beyond challenging. I outgrow the other person if I feel their growth or lack of is stagnating my own.

My earlier partners because of this merging of energy would have their “demons” come to the surface and they taught me individual characteristics of their energy signature through the demons they had yet to confront.

For instance my ex husband would say “Sit back and cruise” which meant stop trying to control everything including me. For a time I embraced this energy of his and integrated it with my own.  I went out dancing drinking at the bars, coming home all hours of the night and living in the moment rather than planning the future. That was until I saw his  free spirit energy not in control and destroying him as well as our lives through the renegade spirit who needed to pick up a drink and drown his demons at bay.  I have a saying when someone accuses me of being a control freak. “You want to drive the bus then drive it, but don’t drive us off a cliff. My cliff came when we were evicted from home to home, power turned off, not able to pay our bills and yet he would still have the adacity  to tell me to “Sit back and cruise”

Every time I pleaded with him for resolution, he would insist me being judgmental and too hard on him because I needed to be in control. And he was right, I did. I needed to know their was a roof over my head, power in my house and some sort of security of the future I was investing with him as father to my child. My energy and what it represented, facing to bring things to the surface did not sit well with his. He  just wanted to be a free spirit and experience life, I wanted to make life happen. Yet we were together to represent the balance and the harmony when two energy signatures merge together. He needed to embrace my energy of facing your demons, just as much as I needed to sit back and cruise.

He as a free spirit had a right to experience life in the way he chose. It is all a matter of choice. It was not that he was wrong in wanting what he wanted at any cost, it was just a cost that I did not want to pay or be apart of. To me he was not willing to integrate my energy as I had with his. And to do so is an act of love. He was not a selfish person at the true heart of his nature, he would give his shirt off his back and money to people on the street in a blink of an eye. But if you challenged his free-spirited nature with rules discipline or the demons he had yet to face from his past, he would quickly choose himself over you; which can be perceived as selfish to your partner who wants to find the middle ground. Simply speaking he was not willing to integrate my energy with his own. And when this happens it creates a severance of energy that eventually leads to true severance in a tangible physical way in the world. Even deeper it is the rejection of god.

Our integration of energy as partners is a reflection of the energy relationship we are in with god. True integration is a signature mark of love; to hold one but embrace another. To hold thyself and yet forge a deeper bond of knowing thyself and loving and knowing another. This is essentially what we are doing in our own spiritual practice in our everyday lives. Knowing ourselves and knowing god and knowing ourselves even deeper though knowing god.

Our relationships are that mirror which employs you to ask “How do you wish to know god” Through chaos, renegade actions, throwing caution to the wind, control, facing your demons, being a free spirit or the wrath? Because you will know god in every way through every individual who is the face of god.

Are you just a free spirit who cares not how you experience your god as long as you just have the experience? You may  have to ask yourself are you truly a free spirit,? What it means to be a free spirit is free of bonds, free of vices, free of the control of your emotions or are you just masquerading as one through carelessness and self-defeating destruction? Do you know love in self defeating actions, or do you feel unloved? Do you place any worth within yourself?

These are the questions in which arise through every proclaimed relationship because your relationships are the reflection and relationship you have with god. Do not look at it as this person or that person, but more so as the divine speaking to you through the vessel of a human body which is your lover, partner, wife or husband. It is not they who asks the question but god who creates the very dynamics for the question to be asked.

It is god, divine, that wants us to know how greatly loved we are and will put you in various dynamics to ask such questions; do you feel trapped, do you feel like your life is not yours, do you feel that life sucks and you only need tolerate it, do you pretend to be accepting of things but instead it eats at you from inside.  These are the things god wants you to change. These are the things that god gives you free will to change and choice. through integration of energy. And the only way we can every truly understand what that means is through the everyday dynamics of how we choose to experience god with us and knowing your energy signature; the predominant energy within you that plays the role as the catalyst for every dynamic transpiring. And even more so to know and understand the relevance of your partners energy signature and how they too are god communicating with you.

Is your partner a control freak to your free liberated spirit then tell yourself it is not your partner but god speaking to you asking you how do you experience me? Are you a free spirit or is this terminology you use to justify reckless abandonment of yourself through self defeating behavior. Have you truly accepted the dynamics in your life and have found love and peace with them or is it too only an act so you do not have to act on it; denial?

If so then you will be pushed you will be pushed until you see love from your partner from yourself from everything. And it is this pushing to motivate you toward such understanding that will come from every direction manifesting in your life. A job, a lover, a friend, a mother, a father, all of thee above until you get the message “You are loved”

Much love to everyone

Misty